I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
