you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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