her vagine was all disorganized.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
