I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
