I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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