He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
