My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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