you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
