My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
