it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
