If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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