remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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