he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
