Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I can't turn off my feet"
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
