haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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