fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
