Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
everyone is single if you try hard enough
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize