and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
