Moan for me like Helen Keller
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
