if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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