I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
