wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
