yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
