i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
