we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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