I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize