Swine flu. Run for my life!
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
