how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Less talking, more tequila
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
