Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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