Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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