The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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