On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Randomize
