you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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