There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
