guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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