id be glad to
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
