Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
