Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize