I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
