just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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