I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
