I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize