I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
