Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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