I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
