Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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