Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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