yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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