I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize