does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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