I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
