I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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