Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
You left your phone here
Wait...
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