I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Screwed.edu
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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