I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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