I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
