She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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