I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
