It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
