Dude my mom stole all your condoms
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
