It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize