i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
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