Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
