I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize