I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
