cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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