Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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