this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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