How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
