I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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