i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize